Otakunichuan The nerdy Gosunkugi chortled with glee as he opened the package that had finally arrived in the mail. Here was his means of getting Akane. Here was the way that he could finally defeat Ranma. Here was his very own sample of the most powerful magic substance in the world. Even as the wrapping paper floated to the floor, he admired the way the clear, slightly brackish liquid sloshed in the clear, glass jar. So little. Hardly even a litre. But it would change his life for the better. One splash of this and everything he ever desired would be his for the asking. Anything, anyone, anytime. Every girl in the school would crawl at his feet. He would be invincible! A god among men! The ultimate power in the universe! Carefully unscrewing the lid, Gosunkugi Hikaru upended the glass jar of water from Otakunichuan over his head. In moments, he could feel the power coursing through his veins. Even in his wildest dreams, he had not conceived of power like this. His body became like a Greek god, only better. He was tall, tanned, handsome, and even his muscles had muscles on them. Even as the magic water fixed his posture, gave him a make-over and did a blow wave and dye job on his hair, his arms, legs, chest and *cough* expanded. So much did he grow, that his clothing split, tearing into shreds. His tight school pants almost exploded, with everything below the knees falling the floor in shreds, giving him a fashionable (if seductively tight) pair of black shorts. The shirt fared much the same: buttons burst off and his tanned, manly chest was open for all to see, while the sleeves tore off at the shoulders. It was the new, reborn Hikaru-sama that stood there, flaming magic sword - he summoned it - in one hand and a basketball size sphere of Ki in the other. His deep and inspiring laugh filled his room. Nothing would stop him now. Behind him a fat man in a green communist uniform pushed his way to the front and held up a placard. In a cheesy Chinese accent he explained: "Oh, Sir. Too bad. You splashed by Otakunichuan, spring of drowned fanfic author. Very happy story of 2700 otaku that drown in spring this year." Hikaru-sama frowned at the little man that was stealing his thunder. Creasing his mighty brows, he brought his dizzying intellect into action. "Guide, shouldn't that be 'very tragic story of otaku that drown in spring 2700 years ago?'" The guide quirked a eyebrow at him. "I say 2700 otaku drowning in one year is very happy story. Don't know what you say." Hikaru-sama casually unleashed a Ki attack, disintegrating the harmless man for no readily explored reason. Now it was time to see to making Akane his bride. [Editors Note: Have you seen "Dead Poets' Society"? I have. Good film. Remember the scene where Robin Williams is teaching the kids Shakespeare and does the John Wayne imitation? After that, I've just never been able to listen to the Jusenkyo Guide the same way again. These are best spoken out loud. Rambo: Deep voice and mumble a lot. "Arrr. Youse fallen innu odagu-neeegwarrrrn. Arrr. Id was goddamn hell man! Ar know! Ar wuz there! Youse dunno! Youse wern there! De mud. De blood. Naaaaaaaam." The Godfather: Quite, whispery, with an Italian accent. "You know I love you like a son. But you have fallen into the otakunichuan, and there is a very tragic story associated with it. Now while you have my utmost respect, I must ask Sally here to provide you with a new pair of concrete shoes and a swimming lesson." David Attonburough: British accent, quiet and slightly out of breath since he just walked here to catch the subject in it's native environment. "Here we have the *gasp* Otakunichuan... more often known by its common or... garden variety name of 'Spring of the drowned fanfic author'. *Squats down and pick up some dirt* Now there is a very interesting story associated with this spring..." John Wayne: Texan. The Duke. What more do I need to say? "So... yuv fallen inno the su-pring of the drowned fanfic or-tha. Thas one trag-ic tale yuv got there pard-na." Asuka from Evangelion: Red hair and five foot of attitude. "BAAAAKAAAA!! How could you fall into otakunichuan?! Not even Wonder Girl or Baka Shinji is that dumb?!" She hits Shinji to demonstrate and he lands in the Spring of the Drowned Mouse. Sorry about that. You probably didn't want to hear about all the strange things that go on in my head. End of editor's note] By this time, the new improved Gosunkugi Hikaru-sama is almost at Ranma's place. Naturally, in his wake his leaves a string of shattered hearts as every girl that sees him immediately faints due to his heavenly beauty. Outside Ranma's place, Hikaru-sama encounters Cologne, Ryoga, Herb, Saffron, Mousse, and Pantyhose Tarou. Each of these immediately attacked him, seeking to challenge this strange newcomer that projected such an amazing battle aura. Despite the fact that they all attacked him simultaneously, Hikaru-sama beat them all back, defeating them all with their specialist techniques. Cologne he beat with sheer skill and special techniques. Ryoga he defeated with strength, and muscle. Herb he handily brought down a few notches by demonstrating his own, greater mastery of Ki. Saffron's fireballs were nothing against his suntan, and Hikaru-sama's return burnt the demi-god into the ground. Mousse? Secret weapons? Pah! Hikaru-sama pulled an armoured division and an entire ninja clan from his back pocket. Pantyhose: no matter how ugly Pantyhose's cursed form was, Hikaru- sama's beauty made everything right in the world. Gathering up the treasure that fell from his defeated foes, Hikaru-sama entered the Tendo compound. Walking into their house, he surprised the family at dinner. Sweeping his perfect eyes across them, he locked gazes with Akane and began to speak. "Akane, I..." He may have gotten further - his new found confidence allowed him to do anything - but Akane interrupted. "Oh, Hikaru-sama! How can I thank you? You... you've brought Ranma and I together like no-one else could!" Ranma wiped a tear from his eye. "Yeah, Hikaru-sama. I was wrong about whatever I thought of you too. You're a great guy. Can... can we spar later? I want to be as great as you some day... Oh, Akane! I love you too!" Watching the teens run off - and hearing Shampoo declaring her undying love for Mousse in response to his presence - Hikaru-sama was almost taken by surprise when Mr Tendo came up and hugged him. Almost, that is... his incredible ninja skills and mutant ability to see in all directions would never allow him to be truly surprised. "Oh, Hikaru-sama! Thank you! Thank you! Please, despite having Ranma, Genma, Happosai, myself and three daughters living here, we have a large - but oddly spare - room available. Please come and stay with us. For no readily explored reason I would feel completely happy having a stranger living with us." Nabiki was sitting for a few moments after Hikaru-sama entered the house. Initially she was struck by there physical beauty and awe inspiring intelligence of the perfect man that appeared in front of her. Despite the fact that every possible physical attribute had changed, she could still recognise him as the nerdy Gosunkugi. But... But... But he was so perfect! Without another rational thought in her head, Nabiki fell in love with him, and attached herself, Shampoo-like, to his side. Planting small kisses on his neck and chest, she ran her fingers across his taut, well defined abdominals. Despite her reputation as a cold fish, Nabiki's blood boiled being this close to the man she loved, and she longed to take him off to a bedroom and engage in all sorts perverted acts. Unfortunately Hikaru-sama forgot to add the all important twist-of- lemon before using the otakunichuan. Gosh, without even remembering a lime garnish or something I can't even tell you the sorts of things Nabiki had planned. Besides, that list would make the story ten times the length. What about Kasumi I hear you ask? Despite the power of the otakunichuan, she was even more powerful. Since there was neither Dr Tofu present, or a sexy Ranma-chan dressed in rubber - that's another story again - all she did was say "Oh, my." Then she made more tea. Since dinner had finished, Ranma sparred with Hikaru-sama for a while. Unfortunately, Hikaru-sama was so far ahead of him in skill, speed and strength that there was no real contest. Being generous, Hikaru-sama tried to teach Ranma one of his simpler special attacks. This one could destroy Tokyo in two seconds flat. While Hikaru-sama had been able to master it in mere moments, it was obviously way beyond Ranma in skill. Just then, Happosai jumped into the room, clutching the treasure that Hikaru-sama had recovered from the people he had defeated earlier. With the one he pulled from his shirt, Happy had seven large balls, each with a different number of stars in them. Placing the Dragon Balls together in the dojo, Happosai called out: "Klattu! Berata! Nikto!" This summoned the mighty Dragon God; Shen Long. Defending their home, Ranma and all of the other martial artists leaped to attack the mighty dragon, but one by one they fell. Ranma lasted longer than most, almost thirty seconds before his ignoble defeat. With a sigh of someone resigned to their greatness, Hikaru-sama detached Nabiki from his lap. She had been cuddling him and trying to clean his tonsils with her tongue... or something like that. Hikaru-sama's battle was legendary. All across the planet people could feel their mighty magic. The earth shook with the power that was unleashed. After eight hours of fighting, Shen Long was defeated. But he was defeated at a cost. Hikaru-sama was grievously injured and he plunged back to earth, too weak to fly. As he fell, he noticed that there was a small set of ponds below him. Skilfully changing his fall - did I mention Hikaru-sama was also a professionally skilled skydiver? - he made sure that he fell into one of the small springs. Plum looked out as the man fell into Otakunichuan. Taking a long pole, she held him under until he drowned. They were always weakened when they fell in here. At last the natural balance of the world had been restored. Epilogue: Nothing exciting really. Everyone had someone they loved now thanks to Hikaru-sama. All the old rivalries were resolved. Everyone (aside from Kasumi who misses her Ranma-chan since Dr Tofu _still_ fogs his glasses) lived happy and fulfilling lives. And Nabiki? Nabiki realised who she had been kissing and bought an entire crate of mouthwash. She still gargles for three hours a day, even now, thirty years on.